In the middle, Getting really personal...

This post is out of context, but its what is on my mind... my mother and myself. My mother passed away 11 years ago and in her wake she kind of left a mess. Do not get me wrong, I love her and miss her and cry when I think I see her (it doesn't happen much anymore, but you know, you think you see a loved one that has passed away and for a second you think "oh hi!" but realize its not them.) but I am fairly "messed up".  This past year of my life, I have been trying to figure it all out, all the "problems" I have, why I am unhappy (just in general) or why I begrudge others their success (something my mother was famous for), even why  I am afraid to put myself out there. It's a little lame, but I have been digging deep and seeing that I do almost every thing my mother did. I have been (trying to be) brutally honest about myself and my faults, not critical just matter of fact. (like as a matter of fact I am a jealous person, and also very lazy) So for literally a year I have been writing it all down and now I am left with, what do I do about it?

Then something happened, I read something that a friend had written regarding her recent endeavors with weight loss (something I struggle, dare I say battle with and have little to no success.) my immediate response was a sick feeling in the pit of stomach that can only described as hate and self loathing. This feeling was immediately followed by excuses for why I can't lose weight. Then I stepped back, I looked at my self, and asked why?  I don't know why I do these things, I don't know why I can't stop it either.  I think it has something to do with the fact that I am like my mother, unhappy, maybe just by genetics, but unhappy (I don't think of myself as unhappy, but being brutally honest with myself, why else would you feel these things for someone else's happiness?). And being unhappy is a lonely hateful place to be and the best feelings you get are when others are unhappy too. Kind of like, I don't want to be left in the dust, or live in your shadow, but since I am too afraid to change or to bitter and stubborn to try, I'll make you stay here with me. Also, it really only highlights my failure. Kind of like, well she can do it why can't you (you fat bastard, fat lazy bastard). Leads to embarrassment. This is a problem. If I can not get out of this "unhappy" place or stop being "lazy, stubborn and bitter" I will live the rest of my life this way, angered at others success, feeling left behind, embarrassed, and lesser then. That's how my mother lived her life, always wanting but afraid to have. I guess after 30 years of life this way, it's hard to snap my fingers and change in to a happy, outgoing, charismatic person. But I think a good first few steps are to see it for what it is, stop making excuses, and fight for myself, because that is all I can do.