Food Glorious Food....

I must admit, I am always looking for the "smoking gun" for my sons behavior problems. This week I have decided it is our food and eating habits. I'm not going to go all gluten free casein free on him, but our eating habits are less then stellar, and I know that when I eat a bunch of crap, I feel like crap. Typically, my kids snack ALL DAY LONG. They refuse to eat anything that did not come out of box and they strongly dislike anything titles "meal". We tend to stick to the tried and true, pizza, mac and cheese, and grilled cheese. I have fought with myself  over this for a long time, thinking how could I have let it get this bad? But it wasn't until this past week I decided to throw out (aka lock it up in a closet) all of our usual snacks. Said goodbye to the gold fish cracker, gummy snacks and juice boxes and only left the raisins, wheat thins and pretzels. Add in cheese sticks, grapes and apples and it is starting to look much better. The only exception I made was for the Deep River Rosemary and Olive Oil potato chips, I mean you need to live a little and they are the best...
Here is todays lunch...

It is simple I will admit, an Amy's PB&J granola bar, a cheese wheel, and a few dices of avocado. So far so good, lots of saying "It's good, but I don't like this" and only a little complete refusal to eat, but you have to start somewhere I guess.

In the middle, Getting really personal...

This post is out of context, but its what is on my mind... my mother and myself. My mother passed away 11 years ago and in her wake she kind of left a mess. Do not get me wrong, I love her and miss her and cry when I think I see her (it doesn't happen much anymore, but you know, you think you see a loved one that has passed away and for a second you think "oh hi!" but realize its not them.) but I am fairly "messed up".  This past year of my life, I have been trying to figure it all out, all the "problems" I have, why I am unhappy (just in general) or why I begrudge others their success (something my mother was famous for), even why  I am afraid to put myself out there. It's a little lame, but I have been digging deep and seeing that I do almost every thing my mother did. I have been (trying to be) brutally honest about myself and my faults, not critical just matter of fact. (like as a matter of fact I am a jealous person, and also very lazy) So for literally a year I have been writing it all down and now I am left with, what do I do about it?

Then something happened, I read something that a friend had written regarding her recent endeavors with weight loss (something I struggle, dare I say battle with and have little to no success.) my immediate response was a sick feeling in the pit of stomach that can only described as hate and self loathing. This feeling was immediately followed by excuses for why I can't lose weight. Then I stepped back, I looked at my self, and asked why?  I don't know why I do these things, I don't know why I can't stop it either.  I think it has something to do with the fact that I am like my mother, unhappy, maybe just by genetics, but unhappy (I don't think of myself as unhappy, but being brutally honest with myself, why else would you feel these things for someone else's happiness?). And being unhappy is a lonely hateful place to be and the best feelings you get are when others are unhappy too. Kind of like, I don't want to be left in the dust, or live in your shadow, but since I am too afraid to change or to bitter and stubborn to try, I'll make you stay here with me. Also, it really only highlights my failure. Kind of like, well she can do it why can't you (you fat bastard, fat lazy bastard). Leads to embarrassment. This is a problem. If I can not get out of this "unhappy" place or stop being "lazy, stubborn and bitter" I will live the rest of my life this way, angered at others success, feeling left behind, embarrassed, and lesser then. That's how my mother lived her life, always wanting but afraid to have. I guess after 30 years of life this way, it's hard to snap my fingers and change in to a happy, outgoing, charismatic person. But I think a good first few steps are to see it for what it is, stop making excuses, and fight for myself, because that is all I can do. 

Kitchen Part 1

I may have bitten off more then I can chew. It seemed simple enough, "re-do" the kitchen.  Just buy some Ikea cabinets, a sink and a counter top and voila! I think It was when all the walls were torn down that I knew this was a MAJOR remodel. 

This is when it started to hit the fan...

Getting better...

The cat, always in the way. But he's right it is a nicer back door.

We really had only intended to replace cabinets and fixtures, appliances etc....but now we have replaced walls, and a door in addition and are currently debating our floor issue ( the floor may be the most un-pleasant part of all). An added bonus, we are doing this work our selves, new home owners and not familiar with renovation, luckily we have a very kind brother law that is and he has spent the better part of some weekends cutting drywall and hanging cabinets with us. Right now, as I sit and stare at this..... 

(this is currently what my kitchen looks like.)

at least I have my new appliances (even if the electric is cut to the kitchen.)

I just want running water, a working stove, and oh yeah a countertop. I am just on verge of an all out nervous breakdown. The contents of my Kitchen are strewn about the house, the house is a mess, and everyone is going crazy. I am desperate, is it ever going to end? ( I am positive not by the start of our February break..ugh.)

This probably hurts more then helps, but kitchens I love...you must visit here, I love it! (also covet her pyrex.)  And just one more before I really get hopeless...

Suzanna Bierwirth's kitchen via martha stewart